I looked up "sociopathological group dynamics" after listening this evening to Les Carter's podcast, "How Sociopaths Take Narcissism into a Darker Space." As I listened to the podcast and folded laundry, I was sadly struck that (nearly?) every point he was speaking of described my experience in my marriage, with my in-laws, and then my last years in my church community of over 40 years.
I didn't find anything specific to "sociopathological group dynamics," but in reading about sociopathy, now referred to as "Antisocial Personality Disorder," I couldn't ignore the relevance of the characteristics to how I and others are/have been treated in our (for some of us, former) church community, often referred to as "The Lord's Recovery."
Dr. Carter describes some with a strong sociopathic bent in this way (notes from the podcast):
They have great difficulty engaging appropriately inside societal norms.
They are callous - totally uncaring to the point of being cruel.
They don't care how you feel.
They have no standards for right and wrong.
They are the standard. They decide what is right and wrong.
Honesty is optional. Truth to a sociopath is whatever works for them.
They are predisposed to tell lies.
They just don't care.
They are secret-keepers, evasive.
They use a lot of blame or shame; they accuse you, especially of what is in themselves.
They are unphased by your pleas for decency.
They can be triggered easily.
Sometimes they are covert - not inclined to overt aggression; passive-aggressive in a mean way.
They don't have introspection - an ability to learn what is going on inside of them.
Rules and common sense don't matter.
They couldn't care less of disarray they are causing.
They are people who can appear friendly charming. They use that as part of their manipulation and deception.
They will not take responsibility; they are too entitled.
Whatever suggestions you offer will be ridiculed.
They are smug.
They take delight in seeing you in pain.
Your boundaries mean nothing except a challenge to them.
They can be hostile and their anger is easily invoked.
They operate with no conscience guiding them.
Reasoning doesn't work.
Dr. Carter recommends that we have consequences: be as separate and distinct as possible. They will be insulted by your distinctions.
Be commited to dignity, respect and civility.
Sociopathic narcissists say "phooey to all of that."
As I listened to this podcast, I recalled a doctor telling me several years ago (when I was being forbidden to go to my home and had just been told by police to return to my house, and that my husband and his mom could be arrested for what they were doing) to be careful in dealing with those family members, because they are likely getting pleasure in seeing me hurt. She said it is best for me to be firm and strong and unemotional with them, rather than pleading with them out of my deep, unutterable pain and confusion. This suggestion was so crazy for me to imagine, but since then, has proven true. Such sadistic treatment has now become "normal" and expected from some who were once my closest companions in "the" church; when I appealed to church leading ones about these patterns, the abusive patterns continued.
For many months... several years, acttually... I searched in my church community for healthy support from those I considered elders. I searched for honesty and care consistent with societal norms. Instead of truthfulness, I was lied to and then told, when I pointed out the lie, "You are on the wrong tree." When I expressed pain due to sensing matters and people invading my marriage boundaries, I was told this is why I can't live with my husband - that I should not show such emotions. I was accused in the church, by leaders, of having an emotional disorder, though never by my doctors or children or many others who knew me. Multiple brothers tried to rationalize my emotional pain by discussing whether or not I was in menopause.
A couple of years after being first forced from my husband and home, having been slandered and shamed and silenced in my church community, I began to look into cults and recovery from cults, and realized how deeply I could relate to cult survivors. I began to speak out more publicly about my experiences in "the church."
I retraced my sense of having no agency and no defense against the abuse that I was experiencing with my husband and in-laws and church elders, and realized that this sense of having no protection from chuch leadership stemmed from my teenage years, from the spring break during which I visited Taiwan and a man in leadership in my church community, who is very accurately described by all characteristics of a sociopath, fingered my private areas. I finally faced the fact that the predator's dad, Witness Lee, knew of his son's repetitive violation of women. I had to admit to myself that this violation had been covered up by church leaders, and that any church leaders who had expressed their godly concerns regarding this predator's immoral practices had been labeled as "rebellious" and quarantined as "poisonous."
And I had to speak out.
Sociopathy...
Mayo Clinic describes sociopathy in the following way:
Antisocial personality disorder, sometimes called sociopathy, is a mental health condition in which a person consistently shows no regard for right and wrong and ignores the rights and feelings of others. People with antisocial personality disorder tend to purposely make others angry or upset and manipulate or treat others harshly or with cruel indifference. They lack remorse or do not regret their behavior.
Symptoms of antisocial personality disorder include repeatedly:
Ignoring right and wrong.
Telling lies to take advantage of others.
Not being sensitive to or respectful of others.
Using charm or wit to manipulate others for personal gain or pleasure.
Having a sense of superiority and being extremely opinionated.
Having problems with the law, including criminal behavior.
Being hostile, aggressive, violent or threatening to others.
Feeling no guilt about harming others.
Doing dangerous things with no regard for the safety of self or others.
Being irresponsible and failing to fulfill work or financial responsibilities.
See https://buymeacoffee.com/embracetheq/5-signs-your-pastor-may-sociopath for a blog that further connects sociopathy and Christian leaders. Excerpts from Steve Johnson's blog (and yes, I bought him a coffee out of appreciation for his post!):
Lack of Empathy:
A key trait of sociopathy is a lack of empathy. Sociopaths may not show genuine concern for the feelings or well-being of others. This can manifest in an apparent indifference to the suffering or pain of those around them....
Deceptive Nature:
Sociopaths are adept at lying and manipulating the truth to suit their needs. They may create elaborate stories or engage in deceptive behavior without feeling guilty or remorseful. Possibly more upsetting, they may begin to bend bible doctrine to suit their agenda.... To a sociopath, public perception remains the number one priority even after their misadventures are brought to light.
Impulsivity and Irresponsibility:
Sociopaths often exhibit impulsive behavior and a lack of concern for the consequences of their actions. They may engage in risky or irresponsible behaviors without considering the impact on themselves or others.
Lack of Remorse or Guilt:
Sociopaths may not feel remorse or guilt for their actions, even if they cause harm to others. They may rationalize their behavior or shift blame onto others without taking personal responsibility. When dealing with the fallout from a revealed sociopath, the lack of contrition may be the most-hurtful of all.
Lives and families have been destroyed by a system in "The Lord's Recovery" that scorns discernment between good and evil, a system that is indifferent to - in some cases even supportive of - marriages (and other precious, vital relationships) falling apart. Brothers and sisters who speak righteous concerns are ostracized and defamed. Leaders don't seem concerned that precious believers are cut off from their own church community that they have loved and cherished for decades, willing to speak the truth in love, to protect believers from sin and evil, to hopefully prevent further stumbling.
An attorney on Quora writes:
The primary traits of a sociopath are an inability to actually honestly care for another human being, to feel another's pain, to feel sorry (deeply, truly sorry) for the pain he/she causes you (or others), to feel real love, to feel any real obligation to the well being of anyone but himself/herself, to have a conscience, period....
The longer you stay involved with a sociopath, the more you will come to feel demoralized and broken and, quite possibly, suicidal. To the sociopath, you (and the countless others upon whom they are preying - because, make no mistake, they typically have multiple victims going at one time...), you are a source of ego inflating supply. Everytime he/she can get you to come running when they say they want you, get you to believe them..., whenever you react to the pain they cause you by crying /breaking down/ pleading/screaming/ cursing/sobbing … they are LOVING it. It's like you're giving them the best drug, the best high they've ever had.
Sociopaths are culty. Sociopaths are cult leaders, even if the cult consists of only two people.
Donna Anderson in the article A cult of Two - You and the Sociopath (April 15, 2024) writes:
Many ex-cult members describe their experience with a cult as if they had fallen deeply in love, and given every ounce of their love, trust and commitment, only to find out that the person was a false lover and was just using them. The pain and the sense of betrayal are enormous.
That, of course, is the exact experience of a person who has joined a “cult of two” by falling in love with a sociopath. Maybe it happened to you.
A cult expert, Steven Hassan, explains (cited in the previously quoted article by Donna Anderson) that the sociopath or cult leader exerts control over Behavior, Information, Thought and Emotion.
Behavioral control means regulating a person’s physical reality: where you live, what you eat, what clothes you wear, what you can do, whether you can work, who you can talk to. This is exactly what many people involved with sociopaths have experienced.
Information control means withholding facts or providing false information — sociopaths are experts at this. The key strategy for information control, by both cult leaders and sociopaths, is deception.
Thought control means indoctrinating the victim to accept a cult’s teachings. In the case of a sociopathic relationship, it could mean convincing you to accept and believe the sociopath’s story.
Emotional control means manipulating and narrowing the range of the victim’s feelings. This is accomplished through instilling fear and guilt, although you usually don’t realize that fear and guilt are being used to control you.
Anyway, one component of healing is admitting that there is a problem, and another is understanding the problem as accurately and thoroughly as possible. Becoming aware of the undeniable sociopathic characteristics common in my marriage, in my in-laws' treatment of me and my children, and in experiences I have had with leaders in "the" church can help me recover from these destructive, culty dynamics, and hopefully can help others, as well.
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