Cult of One (Relationship characterized by narcissistic traits):
I won't go into all the details as to how I began to recognize that I had no rights in my marriage. In brief, I was told that if I wanted a hug, I should lose weight; I was repeatedly ordered to "get rid of" my therapy dog and threatened that if I didn't, my husband would kill himself; I was being ordered to leave my home possibly never to return again; I was told that any nuance of disagreement from me was bad for my husband's health.... Any boundaries I tried to set were considered an affront, a lack of submission, proof of incompatibility, and/or evidence of a lack of emotional intelligence....
These and many other issues caused deep distress and trauma within me for years.
Family Cult (a family characterized by narcissistic traits):
Believing that the way I was being treated was related to my husband's health and medicines, I turned to my in-laws, believing they could, and would, help me and our children, speaking reason to my husband whose growing demands and enforced limitations I was increasingly unable to survive. Instead of receiving help and understanding, however, I was faced with the below listed traits, all over again, just in varied degrees/ways.
They said we had to do whatever my husband needs, even though that meant I can't bring up a very painful matter I felt compromised the exclusivity of our marriage. They were on emails telling me I had to give 2 months notice to come to my home (which was illegal) and never spoke up that this is not acceptable treatment of a wife. One told me to keep secrets from the partner in their marriage, which my husband and I (that I knew of) never did for decades. They stonewalled me for months and then years as I made desperate attempts to clear things up with them. They told other family members not to answer the phone if I called, and spread untruths about me to others in the church. They said I wasn't allowed at their house, even when my daughter was living with them.
Evangelical Christian Cult (a church community dominated by narcissistic leadership styles/traits):
I then turned to my church elders/responsible ones. Again, the same attitudes and treatment I had been subjected to by my husband and his family were repeated, just in varied degrees and ways.
One told me that he was more pragmatiic than principled, in the context of encouraging me to leave my home again since my husband wouldn't return if I and my son were there... though police had told me I can't be sent away like that, and we had just spent months healing and be together again in our home. One elder told me the verse reminded him of me, "Evil slave, your master forgave you..." A "senior coworker" told me I wouldn't know what Jesus could be to me if I kept my dog. Another "senior coworker" told me to let my husband initiate any contact with me, that my husband's stepdad is my husband's real dad, and that my in-laws were only trying to support me, although they would be at my home when I was told I wasn't allowed to be there, they didn't even let me know when my husband was in the hospital in serious condition.....
Those are just a few of far too many examples of abuse by my husband, his parents, and church leaders in "the Lord's Recovery"/"the local churches" - the church community I grew up in, served in, married in, raised my children in... and then was driven away when I and my grown kids needed help and care more than ever.
Cognitive dissonance, though a term I hadn't yet learned, reached an unsustainable level. I had to learn to be able to take steps toward survival, and hopefully toward recovery and even thriving as the person I was created to be.
Covert Malignant Narcissism:
Increasingly and desperately through the broadening of my abusive circle, I read any resource I could find... anything that gave words and clarity to my experiences. I learned about (covert) malignant narcissism, characterized by traits of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), along with antisocial personality disorder. Here are some of the traits of NPD:
lack of empathy
using relationships primarily as a tool for gaining self-esteem
having little interest in others’ experiences, needs, or feelings
attention-seeking behavior
feelings of entitlement or being special
believing themself to be superior to others
I also experienced the following characteristics which are traits of antisocial personality disorder (or sociopathology):
disregard for or hostility toward the rights of others
aggression and violence
lack of remorse for harming others
a tendency to lie
breaking the law
chronic irresponsibility
impulsive or reckless behavior
Spiritual Narcissism:
I learned that there is such a thing as spiritual narcissism, and it can be manifested by individuals and by groups (which I would assert makes them a cult, or at least culty). See more about spiritual narcissism at: https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-spot-a-spiritual-narcissist-8572536 and https://www.choosingtherapy.com/spiritual-narcissists/ (the latter resource linked here is the source of the following list):
Some defining traits of a spiritual narcissist include:
Preoccupied by fantasies of spiritual greatness
Lack of empathy
Sense of entitlement
Grandiose perceptions of spirituality
Extreme sensitivity to criticism regarding spiritualism
Need for spiritual admiration
Exploitative and manipulative of others
Connecting Narcissism and Cults More Clearly:
Not until I began learning more about cults, though, did I really begin to piece everything together; my abusive relationships and toxic church community began to make much more sense - in many ways, I realized that the pathological elements in these partnerships, relationships, and communities were all one and the same.
Cults (of personality, religious cults, etc.) are malignant narcissism (covert or overt, but in spiritual/religious cults, often usually covert narcissism) in action, accepted by members, and/or institutionalized.
I learned that cults could be a "cult of one" - a relationship in which a partner is treated as if s/he has no rights, cannot have/enforce boundaries, is manipulated and coercively controlled....
I learned that families could be cults. Cult dynamics can dominate a family's relationships.
And just as a Christian marriage can be a cult of one, and a Christian family can be a cult, genuine Christian congregations can be cults. And I began, through years of processing the facts and research, my experiences, the teachings with which I had been indoctrinated, and ongoing observations and testimonies of fellow (ex-)members, I confronted the cultiness of my church community.
Characteristics of a Cult:
Here are 10 characteristics of a cult, which characterize my marriage, family-by-marriage, and former church community... and are similar/parallel to narcissism. The list is from VeryWell Mind:
Absolute authoritarianism without accountability
Zero tolerance for criticism or questions
Lack of meaningful financial disclosure regarding budget
Unreasonable fears about the outside world that often involve evil conspiracies and persecutions
A belief that former followers are always wrong for leaving and there is never a legitimate reason for anyone else to leave
Abuse of members
Records, books, articles, or programs documenting the abuses of the leader or group
Followers feeling they are never able to be “good enough”
A belief that the leader is right at all times
A belief that the leader is the exclusive means of knowing “truth” or giving validation
If I were to connect all of my experiences and observations to the lists above, I would need to write a long book. Perhaps I will someday.
Matching Experiences to these Cult Characteristics in "The Local Church(es)":
A few experiences related to the Christian community called "The Lord's Recovery" or "the local churches", affiliated with The Living Stream Ministry, fitting the descriptions of a cult are:
There is a primary leader (well, two: Watchman Nee and Witness Lee) whose speaking and published works are the limits to what other members in this church "should" speak - if anyone speaks anything "beyond" what those two leaders have said, they can be accused of being dissenting, rebellious, speaking "differently," "sounding a different trumpet," being ambitious, drawing people after themselves, not being under the government of God....
Questions, no matter how sincere and seeking, are said to be equivalent to the serpent in the garden of Eden. Any critical thinking is scorned as being "the mind" and we are told to "get out of our mind and into the spirit..." "Criticism" of sins that have been covered up (and that have victimized and stumbled others) is considered rebellion, uncovering God's "deputy authority", causing division, being one with the accuser of the brothers....
Many, including accountants and managers, testify of financial corruption, money laundering, Swiss bank accounts, many properties left to progeny, etc. of Witness Lee and his family, as they incorporated Daystar that defrauded many saints who were pressured to give for this endeavor spearheaded by Witness Lee and his notably sexually immoral son Timothy Lee, and then Living Stream Ministry (a non-profit publishing company that is worth many millions of dollars, managed by Witness Lee's other son, Philip, who was a sexual predator, assaulting many sisters including me).
We were told that the enemy was fighting God's move through turmoil involving rebellious ones and "opposers" - many of whom were/are God-fearing Christians who see sins and deviations from the truth and high control tactics in this group.
Much speaking from Witness Lee and other "senior coworkers" refers to those who "leave" this group as not being overcomers, having a terrible fate, being spiritually bankrupt, committing spiritual fornication....
About the abuse of members.... where do I start??? Abuse of wives, sexual abuse of both women and men, boys and girls have been reported with multiple witnesses and victims speaking up and ignored/silenced; character assassination of whistleblowers and conscience-followers; excommunication of godly members; driving dear ones away; spreading lies about members of all stages and ages and refusing to meet with them or hear them....
Many records, books, blogs, videos, Facebook open letters, written letters, testimonies... corroborating abuse....
Followers are taught and made to feel they are spreading death if they bring up a matter that violates their consciences; they are told that nothing they do outside of the local churches is worth anything, they are told they are good for nothing, they are condemned for not fitting a particular cultural uniformity....
It has been spoken many times that Witness Lee was never wrong, though there is much evidence of the contrary, and Lee himself admitted mistakes, that we (he and the group of believers following him as the "wise master builder, minister of the age," "God's deputy authority"...) were wrong and need to learn from our history.
Witness Lee told brothers to just speak what he has spoken, that there is no fresh light, that they should all be his tape recorders even after he dies, and he spoke many times about the vision and light he received being higher and more complete than all other speaking in Christianity (which he frequently disparaged).
These are just brief examples (all of which can be substantiated by proof), of each of the 10 previously cited descriptors of cults.
For this blog posting, I just want to share a brief version of my journey toward clarity about malignant narcissism (including covert malignant narcissism, which is most typical in Christian circles because covert malignant narcissists can look very pious, have the form of godliness, be sacrificing and generous... all with a narcissistic agenda) and about cults.
If you have experienced or are experiencing treatment characterized by the above lists, know that you are not alone, and there are many resources. You yourself are a resource to fellow targets/survivors - with a wealth of experience and of growing wisdom through your painful and costly experiences.
A few more notes and references:
A bit more about cult characteristics, by cult expert Janja Lalich:
The group displays an excessively zealous and unquestioning commitment to its leader, and (whether he is alive or dead) regards his belief system, ideology, and practices as the Truth, as law.
Questioning, doubt, and dissent are discouraged or even punished.
Mind-altering practices (such as meditation, chanting, speaking in tongues, denunciation sessions, or debilitating work routines) are used in excess and serve to suppress doubts about the group and its leader(s).
The leadership dictates, sometimes in great detail, how members should think, act, and feel (e.g., members must get permission to date, change jobs, or marry—or leaders prescribe what to wear, where to live, whether to have children, how to discipline children, and so forth).
The group is elitist, claiming a special, exalted status for itself, its leader(s), and its members (e.g., the leader is considered the Messiah, a special being, an avatar—or the group and/or the leader is on a special mission to save humanity).
The group has a polarized, us-versus-them mentality, which may cause conflict with the wider society.
The leader is not accountable to any authorities (unlike, for example, teachers, military commanders, or ministers, priests, monks, and rabbis of mainstream religious denominations).
The group teaches or implies that its supposedly exalted ends justify whatever means it deems necessary. This may result in members participating in behaviors or activities they would have considered reprehensible or unethical before joining the group (e.g., lying to family or friends, or collecting money for bogus charities).
The leadership induces feelings of shame and/or guilt in order to influence and control members. Often this is done through peer pressure and subtle forms of persuasion.
Subservience to the leader or group requires members to cut ties with family and friends, and radically alter the personal goals and activities they had before joining the group.
The group is preoccupied with bringing in new members.
The group is preoccupied with making money.
Members are expected to devote inordinate amounts of time to the group and group-related activities.
Members are encouraged or required to live and/or socialize only with other group members.
The most loyal members (the “true believers”) feel there can be no life outside the context of the group. They believe there is no other way to be, and often fear reprisals to themselves or others if they leave—or even consider leaving—the group.
Recommendations: https://www.verywellhealth.com/malignant-narcissism-5214553; https://fairytaleshadows.com/similarities-between-cults-and-narcissistic-abuse/; https://janjalalich.com/help/characteristics-associated-with-cults/
Healing from Hidden Abuse by Shannon Thomas was one of the first resources I found that helped immensely. Psychopath Free by Jackson MacKenzie was also immensely helpful, particularly in working through an upbringing that also included abuse, but also in understanding my marriage. I found these prior to the peak of my marital crisis, but they continued to help me, all the more, through the various abusive fronts I encountered.
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