Although I cannot speak completely openly about my marital situation, until a legal separation is finalized, I have learned the hard way about coercive control that is normalized in my former church community, the "Lord's Recovery"/"the Local Churches." I know it is normalized, because it was (and in a diminished way, still is) blatantly being practiced in my marriage, and I have pleaded with many elders in both my husband's family of origin (who are prominent church leaders) as well as with other church elders and coworkers. The responses I have received, if any, have been primarily more of the tactics that qualify as coercive control: minimizing, denying, blaming, threatening, gaslighting, isolation...
A major form of coercive control has been financial abuse. My financial necessities have been exploited and joint resources denied, and this continues. It is so painful to experience this from your life-partner, and it is even more tragic to see other victims in my same Christian circle, also being financially abused by family members who are of high regard and in leadership roles in "the church."
My husband was a full-time, church-supported elder, board member, and trainer of the Fulltime Training in Anaheim while abusing me in every category in the Power and Control Wheel below. My whole world seemed to be upside down, I could barely function many days, and symptoms of illness surfaced in multiple modalities. Eventually, I literally couldn't survive if I didn't find help, which required opening up more openly and publicly. [Thank you to each and every one who has helped in countless ways. Because of you, we (my adult kids and I) are surviving and healing, hoping to thrive again someday.]
Coercive control is a recognized form of punishable domestic violence.
Californialawreview.org states:
Coercive control is characterized by any pattern of behavior that isolates, dominates, controls, or deprives the survivor of basic rights and liberty. Coercive control can, but need not, involve physical violence. Because the effects of coercive control are so devastating, several jurisdictions have taken steps to legislate against it, either by criminalizing the behavior or by including it in civil or family codes.
....Coercive control, broadly, is a pattern of behavior used by an abuser to dominate their partner and limit their freedom. Coercive control may, but need not, involve physical violence. Common coercive control tactics include isolation from friends and family, deprivation of basic needs, stalking, financial abuse, humiliation, threatening, gaslighting, and more. Coercive control relates to the Power and Control Wheel, a visual tool created in the 1980s that illustrates the elements of violence in abusive relationships. The wheel explains the systematic use of threats, intimidation, and coercion, with physical and sexual violence on the rim of the “wheel” holding the use of threats, intimidation, and coercion together. The wheel can be viewed as a precursor to the coercive control framework because it is rooted in the theory that abusers utilize violence and other means of abuse to exercise power and control over the survivors.
Power and Control Wheel from National Domestic Violence Hotline:
The tactics above are not only used in marital relationships in the church community in which I grew up. Coercive control is practiced by leaders (and loyal followers) toward any members who do not submit to the "deputy authority" that they promote - mainly the late Witness Lee ("Brother Lee"), the late Watchman Nee ("Brother Nee"), and "senior co-workers" who are sometimes referred to as "Brother We" or "the Blended Brothers." Heirarchy is vehemently denied while undeniably practiced, and submission to those "above" you is equivalent to submission to God - even if those above you are living in sin and/or abusive.
When I and many others have reached out to responsible ones about unconcionable offenses including sexual assault, or seeking financial transparency regarding non-profit businesses to whom we have donated for decades (including the church and the Living Stream Ministry), power and control are abusively wielded toward us. No matter how kind, how padded with compassion, how anonymous communication may be, it seems futile at best, and is often labeled as rebellious, poisonous, and divisive. Smear campaigns and threats ensue. Concerned and/or (gradually, increasingly) outspoken members are isolated through a practice of "quarantining" that is actually indefinite (forever) ex-communication.
This is not a healthy family dynamic. We should be able to address concerns and fellowship toward mutual understanding, clarity, fellowship, and peaceful oneness. Instead, children of God, brothers and sisters of one another, are cruelly ostracized when their conscience requires answers or that they speak out about dishonesty. "Bearing false witness" is serious. Anytime I see it happening, and anytime many of us who are being abused see it happening, we won't be complicitly silent. That only perpetuates coercive control... in families and in churches.
It is tragic that homes and churches can harbor abuse. But if we see something, we can say something, and abuse can be exposed and eventually eradicated in our circles.
Here are a few words from the National Domestic Abuse Hotline website:
Tactics of abuse (in any form) are aimed at dismantling equality in the relationship in order to make their partners [or fellow church members] feel less valuable and undeserving of respect.
Anyone can be abusive, and anyone can be the victim of abuse.... Feelings of confusion, fear, or anger are normal responses to abuse. Additionally, abuse may make you feel isolated or like no one will understand. Remember that expert advocates from The Hotline are available 24/7. They can talk through your situation and help you build a safety plan tailored to your circumstances.
Being abusive is a decision: it’s a strategic behavior by your partner [or church/cult leaders] to create their desired power dynamic.
A few years ago, seeking healing and to be of help to other victims of coercive control and other forms of abuse, I self-published a book on Amazon. It is called The Games, and is an allegorical, simple, partial autobiography. Someday, I hope to write a sequel: No More Games... with more transparency. Until then, I will speak out as much as I can, for the sake of our personal and collective healing, from varied degrees of personal and collective trauma.
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