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"Narcissistic Family Traits", & "Not a Respecter of Persons", originally posted in August 2021

Writer's picture: Ruth WiseRuth Wise

Narcissistic Family Traits

These are notes from a helpful youtube video (link is below); these points resonate with me, and I am sorry if they resonate with you, too, because that means you have also suffered from such behaviors. I hope the clarity here helps.


A narcissistic family is similar to a cult in that:


  • It protects the image of the family over the well-being of a member.


  • If you speak up about the actual situations, particularly abuse, you will become the scapegoat. They protect image first and foremost.


  • Family members subscribe to a distorted reality. You are not permitted to challenge that "reality."


  • Individuation is punished. Your likes, dislikes, boundaries... are not allowed. Golden child and scapegoats - people are divided to conquer; people are pitted against each other.


  • Tremendous amount of gossiping. Yet to people's face they are fake and "sweet" if they are covertly narcissistic.


  • There are abusers and enablers. Enablers are severely co-dependent - people who cover up, deny the abuse, and are toxic - more interested in protecting image rather than actual health of the family.


  • Love-bombing and de-valuing are common cycles. You are treated well, but then are hurt.


  • Any disagreement with what they say is seen as an attack and you are punished for that.


  • Mantras are common, like, "All families have a trash can." Or, "That's just mom." Mantras excuse, sweep abuse under the rug or rationalize it.


  • Religious/spiritual abuse: Dogma, tenets, beliefs are used to abuse. "God does not approve of anger...." or "Just be positive..."


  • These people infiltrate all of your life, including extended family, friends, etc. They will, through them, spread propoganda about you.


  • Hold the will over the head - the money that will be left to you in the will. Try to control family members with material gifts/inheritance. Future faking.


  • Similar worshipping of the narcissist (generally the covert type who knows how to appear impressively good and humble...) - "_____ is so wonderful! Such a pillar!"


  • Many members depend on abusive people in the family, so they don't stand up to them.



What to do to escape from a narcissist's family cult:

  • Set boundaries.

  • Get a distance.

  • Cease contact.

  • Ignore "flying monkeys."

  • Unsubscribe from their reality.

  • Rebuild self-trust.

  • Be willing to be alone at first. You may be the first to wake up.

  • Find allies - perhaps in extended family or someone with similar experiences.

  • Build a new family - people who become a healthy family. Beware of people similar to the family you had to distance from (you may initially attract people similar to your narcissistic family members).

  • Set and maintain healthy boundaries.

  • Avoid ongoing abuse, including abuse by proxy.

  • Be prepared to be scapegoated and talked about, because they "have" to do that to protect the family image.

The most difficult but best decision you can make - people later only regret not distancing sooner.


I could give experiences for each of these. For now, I will just list these points, and provide the link to video these points are from:


The Narcissist's Family Cult (Nov. 24, 2018, Inner Integration)


I just found a website with dysfunctional family quotes you may appreciate:



My screenshots below are from that site. :)







Hopefully you can't relate to these, but if you can, you and I are not alone.


Not a respecter of persons

Updated: Aug 27, 2021

One hurtful characteristic of many in the "church" life is that many respect and regard some people more highly; some members have a different status than others. One may deny this, but the truth is, there are some who commit all types of offenses and are fiercely defended - or their offenses are overlooked, "covered" and/or justified, while others express a human weakness and are shamed, gossiped about, and/or utterly condemned.


I could give many, many examples.


I suffered deeply when, several years ago, a trainee from Haiti was dismissed from the full-time church training, who had experienced trauma in her own life and had worked with orphans after a major earthquake had ravaged her island when she was a teenager. A "church kid" had complained that none of the members of their mutual team ever seemed to open deeply, so this sister from Haiti, in response to the despondent church kid's complaint, tried to open deeply with a few teammates. Due to what she opened, she got kicked out of the training - that same church kid found what the sister had opened too heavy. But I was aware of many adult children of high profile leading ones, also in the training, doing and saying things far "worse".... They remained, and received extra care, while this sister was dismissed abruptly from a Bible training she treasured, because she let herself be trusting and vulnerable with teammates about lingering effects of her trauma. She tried to explain. Silence. I wrote about how much this hurt me, trying to explain the sister's situation. Silence. Cruel silence.


An adult son of a high profile brother in my church community has been legitimately accused by multiple women of sexual advancements, harrassment and/or assault, yet he is protected. Inappropriate behaviors continue to damage (possibly even destroy) sisters, their families and future relationships.


"Who's who"... or "who knows whom" or "who is married to whom" ...is prevalent among many in my church community, unfortunately. Young people, including my daughter when she was several years younger, referred to it as a type of "celebrity" status in the church, or that some are "church life famous."


Geneology, eloquence, profession, education, social status, being a retired professional athlete, gifts such as having a beautiful voice, stature, or just being particularly good-looking... in addition to particularly magnetic personalities, including covert narcissism - can lead to one person being respected more highly and/or treated preferentially over another, sadly, in my church community.


This element of partiality is unjust, disgusting, damaging, and stumbling.


In the Christian environment where I work, in contrast, I have the registration in my heart based on constant observation, high sensitivity about this matter, and many interactions, that every believer is valued equally. Every person is expected to act justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly (Micah 6:8). No one is less than another, nor more than another. There is justice, mercy, humility, and love in truthfulness.


Believers are meant to be members one of another. I don't more highly regard any member of my body. Each is precious. Each is a part of me. Each is indispensable. Favoritism and partiality have no place in one's body.


As I was intensely suffering and seeking help in my difficult situation, a church elder told me that he was concerned that I was involving "senior coworkers." In my head, I responded, "I am involving Jesus. If I can tell Him about this, I should be able to tell people on earth who are supposed to be His expression, increase, duplication and continuation. Why would I be afraid to open to a godly person about something I open to God?"


We believers have equally precious faith that makes us partakers of the divine nature - and God's nature includes the characteristic of being truly impartial. God is not a respector of persons (Acts 10:34):


"Then Peter said, 'I see very clearly that God shows no favoritism. In every nation He accepts those who fear Him and do what is right." (NLT)


Such a beautiful characteristic of God - that He is no respecter of persons - should be clearly expressed in us His believers, as His church, His testimony.


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