This weekend I reached out to a dear friend who has experienced much of what I write about in these postings, in the context of the same Christian community. Her experiences were far worse.
I asked if she would be interested in attending a conference with me this upcoming winter: Restore 2025. She responded that she and her kids are in such a good place now, since her divorce is finalized (as of a few years ago). She has such a wonderful church community now. Her parents also finalized their divorce several years ago, her dad having been a prominent co-worker, elder, trainer, etc.
I'm so happy to witness my companion and sister in Christ thriving now. I wondered to myself why I am not, so much, yet. Why is blogging about these matters like breathing to me? Why have I not moved on yet?
Then I realized... it is because there has been no closure for me nor for my kids. Unlike my friend, my kids' parents are still "married" though there is NO actual marriage in any definition other than legal paperwork. Unlike my friend, I am still legally responsible for a man who is lawfully my husband but who, along with his family, has treated me with unbearable cruelty, repeatedly condoned by their fellow church leaders and others in that church community.
After my husband retained a lawyer, who in January 2020, introduced himself to me in a literally sickening email full of false accusations and threats, I have sought divorce and filed three separate times, spending thousands of dollars, only to be convinced and coerced by my husband not to proceed.
There is no closure, yet there is also no marriage. This is not scriptural.
I heard a podcast recently that was very helpful. I hate divorce; probably all of us do. Even moreso, our God hates divorce. But this podcast helped to explain that God hates the breaking of the marriage contract by a husband being treacherous toward his wife. This is different from hating the act of filing for divorce after the spouse has unfaithfully broken the marriage covenant and is rather abusive to his wife.
In the podcast, Proverbs 31 Ministries' Director of Theological Research, Dr. Joel Muddamalle describes how in the ancient Near Eastern world, the only nation/people to have a certificate of divorce was Israel, and this was a provision from a God of love, who hates divorce but in the case of unfaithfulness to a wife, provided a process for her to be officially and legally released. In Deuteronomy 24:1-4, it says, " If a man marries a woman who becomes displeasing to him because he finds something indecent about her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce, gives it to her and sends her from his house, 2 and if after she leaves his house she becomes the wife of another man, 3 and her second husband dislikes her and writes her a certificate of divorce, gives it to her and sends her from his house, or if he dies, 4 then her first husband, who divorced her, is not allowed to marry her again after she has been defiled. That would be detestable in the eyes of the Lord. Do not bring sin upon the land the Lord your God is giving you as an inheritance." According to God's word, a man was to write a certificate of divorce in sending his wife away. Yes, God hates divorce, but if a husband is rejecting his wife, God required a certificate of divorce.
Dr. Muddamalle goes on to share [around 32:00]:
"God saw it so important in a patriarchal society that women would have safety, security, and stability in their lives in the worst case scenario where there was a death of a marriage..... the husband... would write and give to the woman [this certificate of divorce] so that in having that, she would have her dowry back and have some financial stability. There were men who wanted their wife to still be there, and live reckless and wild. So the rabbis, to protect the woman, instituted financial penalties upon the man, because the woman would be stuck if the husband did not write out the certificate of divorce in a very specific way, then it would put her in a place of total victimization, really.... so the rabbis put into place a financial system in order to penalize them, the longer they waited, the more they had to give back [to their wives] as interest, basically, on top of the dowry...."
He continues to explain that some men refused to give the certificate of divorce so long that they would end of being whipped for dishonoring their wives. It would force such men to finally honor their wives with the certificate of divorce. This certificate allowed a rejected woman to receive her dowry back and have the freedom and opportunity to remarry.
Living in limbo for a lengthy time, I have been advised by multiple highly trained specialists, is very unhealthy. I have not had legal closure as granted by our faithful and loving God in Deuteronomy, who, due to the hardness of man's heart, made a provision for a woman to not be held in a "marriage" that is no longer a true marriage at all.
So, I'll go to that Restore 2025 conference this coming February and get as much help as possible. I hope to, like that friend I mentioned at the beginning of this blog, have closure soon.
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