The Cruelty of Silence
Originally posted July, 2021
Imagine talking "with" a loved one, and they say nothing back. For days.
You text them. They do not respond. For weeks.
You email them. They do not reply. For months. Even for years.
Some of us need not imagine this... it is our reality.
Silence is a severe form of emotional abuse, generally inflicted by narcissistic persons.
Andrea Schneider L.C.S.W. writes that "the silent treatment can feel like a punishment worse than death," in the GoodTherapy blog "Silent Treatment: Preferred Weapon of People with Narcissism". Schneider continues to explain that the silent treatment...
"is designed to (1) place the abuser in a position of control; (2) silence the target’s attempts at assertion; (3) avoid conflict resolution/personal responsibility/compromise; or (4) punish the target for a perceived ego slight. Often, the result of the silent treatment is exactly what the person with narcissism wishes to create: a reaction from the target and a sense of control.
"The target, who may possess high emotional intelligence, empathy, conflict-resolution skills, and the ability to compromise, may work diligently to respond to the deafening silence. He or she may frequently reach out to the narcissistic person via email, phone, or text to resolve greatly inflated misunderstandings, and is typically met with continued disdain, contempt, and silence. Essentially, the narcissistic person’s message is one of extreme disapproval to the degree that the silence renders the target so insignificant that he or she is ignored and becomes more or less nonexistent in the eyes of the narcissistic person."
The silent treatment is a passive-aggressive power move. It is manipulative - seeking to control the target. It is retaliatory - seeking to punish the target. We should not lord it over one another, manipulate another person, retaliate, or punish. Instead, we should love one another and seek to be reconciled quickly with one another when there is a breach in fellowship.
In the Bible, we are admonished to love our neighbor as ourselves, to be kind to one another, to not let the sun go down on our indignation.... We should not ignore our own needs, nor should we ignore the needs of those we love, those for whom we are committed to care. And one vital need humans have is connection, to be seen and heard, to see and to hear, to relate with one another and to protect those relationships. God gave us ears to hear, mouths to speak, minds to understand, and hearts to care. Let's not neglect, but rather use, such precious gifts, to grow and heal together.
Blame-Shifting - Another Form of Emotional Abuse
Originally posted: Apr 27, 2021
Another form of emotional abuse is blame-shifting.
What is blame-shifting?
Blame-shifting is a tactic an abuser uses to justify himself and his behaviors, and to attribute any problems or difficulties, even their clearly abusive behavior, as the fault of another person, often the primary target of their abuse. (Please note: Pronouns used here are not to imply abusers are generally/necessarily male; there are far too many abusive women AND men in this world.)
"You can't live here, because you are too emotional," a husband tells his wife when she pleads that he not force her to leave her/their home, possibly forever.
"We can't live together again until you have demonstrated for at least 6 months that you have changed in your attitude towards me, especially until you stop bringing up the past and blaming me," the husband says to his wife who has tried to clear up some very deep wounds, such as her being told not to come between her mother-in-law and her husband's fragile health.
Abusers often claim friends, family, mental health professionals, church leaders or other authorities are in agreement with them, which has the effect of isolating the victim and preventing the victim from getting help. Now the abuser has all the power and control over the victim and their relationship. Blame-shifting is a way to escape taking responsibility. (The Hague Psychologist, 9/16/2016)
Some real-life examples of the above paragraph (in addition to the preceding quotes above):
"I agree with the co-workers, that you need to be diagnosed, medicated, and observed for several months to see if you have changed before we consider living together again."
"My dad is very concerned that you may be a burden to my fragile health."
"My therapist gave me a book to understand how to deal with you."
"You have hurt my parents deeply. You owe them an apology. They will never repent to you."
"You don't know how much you hurt my [step]dad by calling him my stepdad."
"You can't come back home unless your disposition changes."
"So-and-so [a well-respected "co-worker" and doctor in "the" church] said that he believes that unless you change, which he doesn't see likely, he doesn't think we should live together again."
"Any nuance of disagreement with me is bad for my health."
A more recent example, added on 8/12/2024: "My mom [who at the time was in Seattle] got shingles because of you [I was living with my brother in Omaha], since you are talking about moving home [to my home in Los Angeles]."
We all should be open to feedback and we should repent if we have done something to violate a person's safety or legal rights. We should not overstep boundaries - such as others' property or marriage. However, we are not responsible for another adult's happiness nor overall well-being.
I would do anything I possibly could to help someone I care about --- especially the man I married. However...
Helping someone should not require accepting blame for another person's behavior.
Helping someone should not require a wife to leave her home on-demand, especially not indefinitely (told to leave and that she may never live with her husband again....).
A wife should not be forced to give up an emotional support animal (or any pet), to lose weight in order to be hugged by her husband, or to never discuss very important matters (such as violations of vows, deeply demoralizing words, or other serious offenses) with her husband.
Breaches of oneness in a partnership require adequate care and attention to restore a sense of peace, love, and trust in a relationship. A partner seeking harmony or repair should not be blamed for destroying a relationship or "hurting" her partner by expressing her pain - especially when her pain is entirely due to real or perceived threats to her marriage, and due to her wanting her union with her husband to be honored, guarded, and maintained.
There's so much more about this topic on the internet. If you want to read more, you would start with 5 Ways Blame-Shifting in a Relationship Harms It. The image below is from that article. (Based on my experience, I would alter the "Communication Gap" section to read - You're scared to voice your opinion, decision, pain, or need... for fear of ridicule or punishment.)
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