Tonight I am grieving, intensely, unutterably, as I have grieved for several years now.
As a middle school teacher, I am currently teaching poetry.
Maybe I will attempt to write a poem to express my deep sentiments.
My Prayer Tonight (2/18/2014, 12 - 1-ish a.m.)
What is oneness? What is love?
How can these be truly known?
I ask You, Lord, who came down from above,
Rejected by those who were Your own...
For twenty-eight years, I've been married to one
Who refuses to even live with me
Won't include me in his health care or hospitalization,
Denying me simple honesty.
That man meets with Christians who were family to me
Who speak about love as the most excellent way
They sing the ancient Psalm about precious unity
And faithfully meet, and fervently pray.
But Lord, when I show, or tell them about, my pain
Nearly all of them just turn away.
It seems I'd be accepted if I'd only feign
That my broken heart and marriage are fine, that "I'm okay."
When they've asked me how I am through these years
Eventually I've had to be honest, to speak the truth:
"I am in level 10 pain, I can't bear it... so many tears..."
By words or actions, they've responded, "Be quiet, Ruth."
Lord, You want oneness, You prayed we'd love one another
That the world may believe, that You would be known.
My heart grieves for every unbeliever, sister and brother
Stumbled by marriages, like mine, where love is not shown.
Lord, many believers call themselves Your "Recovery" while refusing
To confront unrighteousness, unlawfulness, abuse
Under shrouds of hypocrisy, so many are misusing
Your word, to silence victims, cruel perpetrators to excuse.
O Lord, I look to You; Lord, look on me
Now and forever, I am Yours alone.
I wanted to be my husband's, but now I grieve
That this human relationship has been undone.
This failed marriage contrasts with the precious truth:
I am Yours, Beloved dear.
My pain of rejection You deeply soothe.
You'll never reject me; I've nothing to fear.
You came down, became the lowliest of men
And now You are far above all.
You were rejected by Your own kin
But for salvation, on You Your lovers call.
In my suffering, You have opened me to see
That there is no a superior group of believers
In every place, precious ones love in reality,
Practicing Your Word as faithful receivers.
May all high-minded be brought low
Comfort those crushed in spirit and heart.
Heal the broken, rich grace bestow
Lord, gain Your lovely counterpart.
Don't let anything be in vain
Be every letter in our story.
Take our suffering, take our pain
And turn it all into Your glory.
